Health MOTs

Well, Patricia Hewitt is at it again. Not long after playing down the importance of a £1billion deficit for British hospitals, the NHS is going to spend large sums of money giving everyone in Britain a ‘MOT’. The whole logic behind this is to reduce expenditure for the NHS by catching illnesses earlier. They will be offered at up to five times in your life.

Anything that improves people’s health is to be welcomed, but I think the logic behind this is somewhat awry. If the NHS manages to detect health problems in people as a result of these ‘MOT’s, it will then be forced to treat them at great cost. Whereas, the alternative, is to not find the ailments and therefore let the people die of them, without cost to the NHS. On the one hand, a heart disease is detected and after much expensive surgery etc., they live a long and glorious life to 90. On the other hand, the heart disease is not detected and they drop dead suddenly at 45. The latter is obviously far cheaper for the NHS and has the secondary benefit of helping pension annuity rates as the average life expectancy drops.

Now, whilst the above is a very black and white case, plenty of grey exists. What if the condition isn’t immediately terminal when symptoms occur? In the long run it becomes a cost comparison between reactive and preventative medicine. However, with the way ambulance response times are going, presumably fewer people will survive the onset of symptoms. I really can’t see how all the additional work these ‘MOT’s will cause can possibly cost less than the savings made on reactive treatment.

The other aspect of this that really annoys is the condescending requirement to link a concept with something the average pleb can understand. Why call it an ‘MOT’? It really is insulting when they think people can only understand what it is by using a comparison to a car. Is everything going to be compared to a car? What next? Will Jeremy Clarkson start bed testing the latest supermodel as part of her ‘MOT’? Good taught handling and great acceleration into the straight. Good speed, but thirsty as hell, leading to a rapidly emptying tank? Get her on the rollers and test braking etc. before the all importance emissions tests.

Perhaps the government could combine the two concepts and use Jeremy in the advertising campaign that will undoubtedly accompany the launch. I can just see him eyeing up the patient and complaining about the styling before complementing the driving experience. Sort of ‘pig to look at, but goes like the clappers’.

"Real men don't cook"

How many times have you heard that before? Recently, a colleague of mine stated this in response to a request from a member of the fairer sex for a home made cake. Even after much cajoling and jokes about giving her “a good muffin’”, he still wouldn’t do it. Now, whilst I have some sympathy with his position, I feel a small correction is required. The correct statement is “Men shouldn’t need to cook.” After all, what’s the point in keeping a dog and barking yourself? We all know men are the best chefs. Just look at all the best chefs in the world and the truth of that statement is apparent. However, men who have a female partner (just in case) shouldn’t need to cook. It is clearly women’s work, but this doesn’t mean that for special occasions, a man can’t cook.

Having said all the above, we must also investigate other character traits of said person. Listening to Craig David is a poor sign. I know Craig comes from the same locality and therefore is a “local boy”, but that shouldn’t require you to undergo purgatory every day.

Excessive spending on high-tech equipment is also worrying. This applies to most areas, but especially music playing devices and telephones. This shows a worrying ability to ‘shop for England’, which accompanied by a propensity to spend hours and hours on your mobile phone is worryingly feminine.

Finally, and potentially the clincher, is all the fuss being made about baking a cake. Rather than maintain this position in the face of such pressure, surely any sensible person who just comply and finish it. In the long run, much easier. A person refusing to comply against all reason normally suggests they are trying to hide something. Perhaps in this case, the person in question is actually very good at baking cakes, but wouldn’t want to admit it.

So, what does all the above evidence indicate? All the above behavioural traits are indicative of a strongly developed feminine side. So, perhaps his new saying should be:-

“I’m a lady, don’t you know’.

And, he should be baking the cakes?

London Whale

What on earth has got into the British these days? A Northern Bottle Nosed Whale takes a wrong turn somewhere off Southend (arguably made a wrong turn to get there!!) and ends up in the Thames. After braving the Thames Barrier, it manages to swim all the way to Westminster before being terminated by some conservationists trying to ‘help’ it. Well, think about it for a minute. How did they know it needed help? Sure, whales are not normally spotted in the Thames, but neither is flowing traffic on the M25 and they do nothing about that. After all, a whale in water, how odd is that? It must be injured or ill was their cry. Again, it had managed to navigate quite a few obstacles quite successfully, so the ill angle is not immediately replete with evidence.

Did they ever consider the alternatives? Perhaps it was lonely and looking for company. Maybe it was exploring new areas of water. Could it have been lost after asking directions from an Essex blonde? Making a representation at parliament on effluent discharges? The short answer is, we don’t know and neither do the conservationists. Needless to say, it only started bleeding after they became involved (presumably from the ears). A well known daily paper printed a picture of a conservationist throwing stones at the whale to stop it coming too close to an area it might beach on. That’s about as sensible as throwing stones at children near railway lines and then complaining when one gets hit in the head.

This shows the stupidity of the response to this incident. Sure, in Japan the whale would have been harpooned without thought and turned into thousands of plates of sushi. At least its death would have served some purpose. Instead, a bunch of people who should know a lot better, decided it was ‘lost’. Apparently, it must have been ‘lost’ as it was far from its normal environment. Well, hauling it from the water hardly helped there and when Christopher Columbus found America, perhaps the same should have applied to him? In essence, the ‘rescuers’ killed the whale far more effectively than a harpoon.

However, the most interesting point here is the connection between this story and various other ones in the press. In other words, the need for people unbidden to stick their noses into other peoples business, forcing them to do as they are told, normally with terrible consequences. Smacking is one such issue and social workers should also feel some connection with the ‘rescuers’.

Feminine Side

How many people out there know a man who has a highly developed feminine side? Well, are they really an example of ‘new man’, or this a device used by unscrupulous males to prey upon gullible young ladies. Mirroring is a common device used to gain the trust etc. of others. Therefore, by mirroring women, are these ‘new men’ simply trying to gain their trust before relieving them of their knickers and totally betraying it? Gay men are trusted and confided in far more by women, so it is common for these ‘new men’ to portray certain of these behaviours, hence the phrase ‘just camp enough’. In other words, just gay enough for women to trust them, but not gay enough to prevent it being taken advantage of.

Of course, this sort of man doesn’t fit in with all environments. For instance, the army. Whilst their success with women is obviously looked upon with great admiration by their colleagues, having a ‘group hug love-in’ before exiting the armoured personnel carrier and proceeding to battle is not really on. Indeed, without great care, this could easily lead to a ‘group beating’. Not what was intended. Prison is another location where displaying your feminine side is not good. Being ‘just camp enough’ could easily lead to being ‘just anally retentive’. Not a good place to be. Beware of strangers bearing soap!!

Whilst this feminine behaviour is good early on in life, it does pose a few problems later. The behaviour is so ingrained into the personality, it is quite impossible to stop. Some women will clearly like the idea of her husband having a ‘group love-in’ with her friends, but a majority will not. Anyone lucky enough to have a wife in the former category has hit pay-dirt and will be the envy of all men. If in the latter category, a change of character is required or more drastic action may be taken by the wife. Contrary to popular belief, a Bobbit is not a hair cut, at least not in the conventional sense. Once a warning has been issued, it is wise to obey, especially when issued by a feisty ginger haired lady.

Being ‘just camp enough’ is fine for attracting women, but also sends out completely the wrong message. Clearly, men are far better cooks than women (see a list of top chefs for evidence), but men shouldn’t cook. It is womens work. After all, what else do they have to do? Men shouldn’t be able to shop for Britain. This again is a female attribute specifically designed to ensure their man remains penniless. Men shouldn’t know about clashing colours. Unless they are careful, these ‘new men’ could soon find themselves unable to parallel park, find their way from A to B, or read a map. However, Lawrence Lleweyln-Bowen would certainly appreciate their home décor.

And finally..........

And here's a sight to bring terror to every man. Three women who fly F15s for the USAF. Good job they have radar to help find the target. No chance with a map.

More Totty

As the SAS would say: "Wouldn't mind slotting a few of these"!!!!!!

AAAAAAhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here's a sight you never want to see. If you're the target, I guess you're safe, but everyone else within range had better duck.

Totty

Here's another picture of the bird from picture 4 of the competition. It's quite clear she likes a large weapon..................................

Competition Answers

As nobody entered, I guess I had better give the answers. Honestly, call yourselves FPS players? I guess you're all just sprayers rather than thinking about what you're using.

Picture 1: Scottish broadsword (more properly known as a claymore!!) Nobody got this.

Picture 2: H&K MP5SD silenced submachine gun. A few got this.

Picture 3: H&K G36 with trimmings. e.g. torch, laser pointer, folding butt etc. Nobody got this.

Picture 4: FN FAL (SLR) variant. Notice the forward pistol grip, folding butt and pair of tits hanging off the back. Well done Nat for identifying. (He did use them for years!!)

Picture 5: Claymore mines!! Notice the useful hint for users. And who says grunts aren't stupid? Quite a few got this.

Picture 6: M16. Seems standard, but notice the absence of a flash surpressor. Most got this.

Picture 7: H&K MP7 PDW (Personal Defence Weapon). Notice the retracting butt, forward laser pointer (under barrel) and mounting rail on top. Nobody got this.


So, I declare.............nobody the winner. My stash of chocolate is safe for now!!

As picture 4 caused a bit of a stir amongst some members of the team, I will shortly publish some more interesting pictures for the descerning male.

Office Nutters

Why is it that every office I work in has a resident nutter? You know the type of person. On the face of it a very jovial, happy person, but underneath a maelstrom of conflicting emotions, mostly dark, making an outburst possible at any time. The kind of person who thinks nothing of telling someone they are ‘talking b*****ks’. Always given the projects nobody else will touch with a bargepole, they are particularly good at ‘networking’ and communicating via the ‘telephony’ systems. A project managers best friend and worst enemy, all at the same time.

Differing levels of office nutter exist, the absolute pinnacle being those who enjoy the look of fear in others eyes as they speak. Not only do they know exactly what weapons Michael Ryan used, but projects the image that some of the same emotions may be present. They enjoy winding up their colleagues by showing a knowledge of guns and associated equipment (explosives etc.) generally upsetting to these people and heightening the sense of foreboding. Indeed, one could almost say, people just like me.

Whilst discussing the use of a diesel generator fuel tank as an improvised explosive device in a huge fuel-air explosion is obviously a very interesting topic, some colleagues do tend to find it upsetting and unsettling. Indeed, the same could be said of an equally interesting discussion around the benefits/disadvantages of offensive and defensive hand grenades and the current British and American inventory of said items. Some people really are just too sensitive. A liking for running around WWII FPS games, shooting everyone in sight could be a harmless outlet for aggressive feelings. If this outlet ever disappeared, they would need to go somewhere!!

Alongside the homicidal tendencies, often comes geekism. This appears in various ways. The excessive knowledge of weapons is obviously one example, but a need to develop ludicrously large LANs covering many buildings is another good example. Whilst any security is good, having at minimum three firewalls between your PC and the internet could be considered excessive. Choice in films is another identifying trait. Liking Star Wars (any of them) is OK, but siding with Darth Vader and the ‘dark side’ is indicative.

So, need their colleagues be worried? Well, nobody really knows. Until it happens, everyone laughs about it. Afterwards, they don’t!!

IT Contractors

IT Contractors are a strange breed. Travelling the country in search of highly-paid positions where they can milk a company for a few months before moving onto the next victim. In many ways, they are the IT equivalent of vampire bats. Find a suitable victim and cling on before sucking them dry. However, as with vampires, the cost is potentially high. Yes, you might become a filthy rich scumbag, but you also spend a large proportion of your life staring at the walls of a Travelodge.

Clearly, being a contractor requires a certain mindset. Some people are capable of switching this on or off, but for most of us, it’s genetic. Can you tolerate everyone hating you for earning far more than them? Yes, yes, I know you have to find another job every few months, but every now and then you hit the contractor equivalent of a blood bank and fill to overflowing. You don’t get sick pay. True, but this just results in contractors attending work when suffering from bubonic plague and therefore infecting every other poor sod in the office. You don’t get holiday pay. True, but in a novel use of the English language, the period between contracts (otherwise known as unemployment) simply gets called ‘holiday’.

So, what sort of person becomes a contractor? Well, obviously someone who can tolerate long periods of time away from home. This results in various conditions. Excessive right arm is commonplace, as a result of missing the wife or excessive playing of computer games to compensate for being billy no mates. Not everyone is called a w****r for nothing!! Many contractors develop a definite limp due to the stresses carrying such a heavy wallet causes on their bone structure. A squint normally occurs due to writing such large numbers into such small boxes on their timesheets. Then, of course, comes the most obvious sign of them all. SLi. Everyone knows that only contractors can afford such ludicrous PC setups.

So, is being a contractor all bad? Obviously not, there are major benefits. You don’t need to train the wife in your particular peccadilloes as its actually your hand, not hers. The old headache etc. excuses don’t apply anymore, as when you want it, strangely enough so does your hand. You are rich, but have no mates to spend it with,
so Overclockers.com or other ‘hardware’ sites benefit. Unlike poor employed people, holidays come along regularly and are sometimes long. A stunning opportunity to spend some of the money trying to persuade people you have friends and most surprising of all, a life. Alternatively, you just spend 20 hours a day playing World of Warcraft and getting married online.

So, being a contractor isn’t so bad after all.

FPS Competition

It's competition time again. Anyone familiar with FPS games should be able to identify ALL these items with ease. Anyone getting all of them right (individually), will get a bar of chocolate.

P.S.

Doesn't look like the woman is to be messed with!!

Yorkshire

Today, I would like to pay homage to a great English county and its contribution to the UK and indeed the human race. Yorkshire has produced many fine people and made many a contribution to the sciences, arts etc., but some of its greatest inhabitants are slowly declining and may soon become extinct. I am, of course, referring to the little known Lesser Yorkshire Midget (affectionately known as the Yorkshire Terrier). Due to the effects of man on their native county, these creatures are becoming rare and may soon disappear all together. There are believed to be as few as 9 breeding pairs still in Yorkshire, but recent sightings, especially in the Havant/Southampton area, suggest some have migrated across large distances. Various explanations have been proposed for this, including searching for food, global warming, destruction of their native habitat and lack of stools for reaching high cupboards.

This decline is particularly sad in view of their history of dedicated service to the crown in Her Majesties Armed Forces, especially the army. Their small stature (some say as little as 3'4") has made stealth their friend with many an enemy blissfully unaware of their approach until a frenzied attack on their ankles. They are particularly at home in cold conditions and can be seen scaling large precipices of ice. This is surprising as the young lose much of their hair early in life. In an effort to keep warm, many a Yorkshireman has returned to his tea to find the cosy missing. Adept at swimming, they make superb frogmen with an ability to survive for hours on a thimble of air. Their expertise with explosives is legendary, although occasional excess has resulted in shattered windows, especially in harbour locations.

Yorkshire Midgets can be readily identified due to their small stature and unusual speech. Whilst related to English, it is believed to have developed separately for some time and many now believe only a Babel fish can act as a satisfactory translator. Whilst basically omnivores, their preferred foods are high in carbohydrates with the main liquid consumed being Yorkshire tea. Recent conservation attempts have included the introduction of a new hard water variety, but it appears to be having little effect.

Recreation is mostly spent on sporting activities with a particular liking for racket sports. This is surprising as their modest size and limited reach makes mobility around the court very important. Many a Yorkshire Terrier has been spotted sweating heavily and out of breath in the corner of a squash court whilst playing loftier opponents.

Another Day in Politics

Here we go again, another intesting days in politics. Not just one good story, but a bumper three.

Firstly, we have a fat (probably technically obese) bloke who failed to pay his council tax for a full 8 years. Now, if he had been an eighty year old council tax campaigner, or probably anyone else at all, it would have resulted in plenty of very official council letters, threats, court appearances etc. But as this just happens to be the bloke in charge of the government department responsible for administering the tax, nothing happens. If fact, from all reports, the council did nothing. The excuse. "I forgot." Well, that's OK then. I forgot mine as well, is that alright too? The sound of prison doors slamming shut and some ugly overweight chap undoing his trousers rapidly approaches.

Secondly, we have Grace Kelly. Sorry, 'Ms' Ruth Kelly. The difference should have been apparent as people seemed to like Grace Kelly. At a recent speech, she was all but drowned out by the sound of knitting needles being put through their paces by the audience. That is, those that were left after the stampede for the last train. She didn't get a standing ovation, but did get a rather nice wool sweater. What has Ruth Kelly done to attract so much attention? Well, apart from appearing to unite all the teachers in the country against her, she has allowed a sex offender to take a teaching post. Not surprisingly, this has caused somewhat of an outcry. As Ruth Kelly received a rather fine education, including some time at Oxford, her being surprised at the outcry over a sex offender teacher rather shows the lamentable state of education today, strangely enough, her very own department!! For an example of the failings of her department, she only has to look in the mirror.

Finally, we have Jack Straw and the Iran nuclear thing. Apparently the Iranians have broken the IAEA seals on their nuclear research facilities. Whenever this is said, I always try and imagine what the seals are like and whether they make a lot of noise. I'm sure Greenpeace must have something to say about the Iranians breaking them anyway. Jack Straw immediately stepped forth and played the hardman of the EU. I'm sure the Iranians are quaking in their boots. The thought of entering into negotiations with Jack Straw is enough to send anyone into a state of catatonia. Put simply, nobody needs that much sleep.

Car Crash Theatre

For some time now, people have enjoyed the phenomena of car crash TV. You know the sort of show. People who think they can sing/dance etc. making fools of themselves in front of studio audiences, who then promptly volunteer to perform equally stupid activities and get laughed at as well. The sort of show where the IQ of the audience doesn’t exceed that of pond life.

So, imagine my surprise when a colleague of mine recently attended a particularly strange show at a theatre nearby. The performance in question was the Sound of Music. Doesn’t sound too bad? Well, this was the Sound of Music with a difference. The audience were encouraged to ‘take part’. Now, obviously this should act as a warning to any sane person to run screaming from the vicinity, but my colleague joined in with vigour. A quick journey to the fancy dress shop saw him outfitted in lederhosen.

Why exactly lederhosen sprung to mind is not clear at this point. Of all the dress options available in the Sound of Music, lederhosen should not be the obvious choice for anyone of sound mind. The mere concept of tight leather shorts and much thigh slapping should send shivers down your spine, unless worn by the fairer sex (in which case tingling of a different nature might be appropriate). Not to him. His wife being of part German ancestry might form part of the attraction with a potentially latent genetic penchant for leather clad thighs being a possibility. Perhaps an opportunity to continue the performance into the night came to mind ……..… Images of Herr Flick and Helga intrude, unwelcome, into my conscious thoughts.

The standard of singing by the audience also doesn’t bear thinking about. If any of the Pop Idol/Fame Academy shows are an example, a mixture of strangled hyena and Jade Goody would be considerably better. By wearing the tight leather shorts, one can only assume his voice was at least a couple of octaves higher than usual!!

I’m not entirely sure what originally attracted him to this particular performance of the Sound of Music, or indeed any performance, but to each their own. The thought process behind the lederhosen is equally unclear and peccadilloes of that nature are best left unexplored. The only thing I will add is his favourite varieties of Pot Noodle ……… Seedy Sanchez and Bombay Bad Boy. Nuff said!!

Competition of the Week

Can anyone identify the item in the photo and what is unusual about it?

Best answer gets a prize.

Inappropriate Use of Paint

As a driver in todays world, little annoys me and my passenger more than the inappropriate use of paint on todays roads. Travel down any road and you can guarantee within a day or two, large amounts of white/green/red paint will have been splashed all over it. Why is this necessary? Are drivers really so dumb they need warning of every little approaching danger, or is it a sign of the times where massive amounts of money must be expended to try and remove every danger?

Why is government giving councils money to create bike lanes? Not only are these road freeloaders utilising tarmac that could otherwise be usefully employed by motor vehicles, but they are often fully fledged members of the environmentally friendly mafia, intent on showing their moral superiority and green credentials. Well, there is nothing morally superior about turning up wet and knackered at work each morning. Not only are they getting in the way of motorists who have actually paid to use the roads, but the white paint used to denote the killing zones is unsightly. The government don't seem to have realised most cyclists don't like cycle lanes (except when physically seperate from the roads) as they consider them more dangerous than normal roads. Why should cyclists be able to use our roads without first paying a road fund licence anyway? They merely serve as distractions and cause unsightly marks to your paintwork as you nudge them aside.

Red and green paint are often applied to areas considered particularly dangerous by some office bound civil servant. The average motorist is obviously blind and stupid and therefore requires some jumped up cost overhead to this country pointing out the bleeding obvious. Normally the paint is associated with specially laid areas of the new 'high-grip' tarmac. You know, the stuff that is lethal for several months after it is laid!! The concept of actually repairing roads to a reasonable standard, removing pot-holes etc., is lost upon these people who would rather go wild with a tin of spray Dulux, resulting in something akin to a Andy Warhol painting. So, whilst the road surface slowly degrades to the standard of a bridleway or worse, the motorist can sleep easy knowing it will be a very colourful bridleway.

Finally, the worst possible offence any council employee could commit is the removal of large areas of tarmac from motorists use. I regularly travel down roads with huge areas of cross-hatching for no good reason. If you're going to do this, why lay the tarmac in the first place? Every motorist should see it as their righteous duty to utilise every possible inch of tarmac regardless of road markings and therefore ensure the maximum efficiency of the road. An unused piece of tarmac is a wasted piece of tarmac and as the motorist is paying, that is a crime.

Respect

Well it had to happen didn't it. Tony Blair and New Labour have suddenly decided there isn't enough respect in society. What to do about it? Well, from this bunch it's obvious. Legislate. Even more red tape and rubbish laws that will never be used or will get challenged under the human rights act etc. Blair and co. seem to have forgotton that respect has to be earned and is learnt from others. When viewed like this, it's easy to see why there is so little respect in the country. Everyone has been watching and copying all the Labour MPs and ministers. From Peter Mandelson to Tony Blair, they're all at it. The truth seems to be whatever they believe or wish to hear at the time. Need a mortgage, no problem. Simply forget the other loans you have. We'd call it a crime, but it's just a minor memory slip to them. Being lectured on respect from this bunch is like being taught vegetarianism by Hannibal Lecter.

When interviewed on the Radio, Tony Blair admitted to smacking all but his youngest child. Young Leo seems somewhat blessed in missing out physical parental chastisement and by all appearances, the MMR. However, I digress. He commented (Tony not Leo) that most sensible adults know the difference between reasonable smacking and abuse. Shame social workers and others in authority don't!! However, Tony did add that many children had 'gone beyond this'. Presumably this means to a point where a simple smack is insufficient. What is he suggesting? Taking it to the next level? Pick axe handle, baseball bat or maybe a shotgun. Whilst I wouldn't disagree that some of the little b*****ds definately deserve this, I can't help thinking the average Labour lovvie would be shocked by the suggestion. Maybe it is simply an attempt to provide more work opportunities for his missus.

So, how do we get respect back into society? Is it by calming situations and talking quietly with our children as suggested in the radio interview? Well, no not really. Anyone who has attempted to discuss anything with a 5 year old will certainly understand that discussing good and bad behaviour in a way they are likely to understand is doomed to failure. Indeed, only those who possess the mental age of a toddler could possibly think this is going to work. I've no problem with trying it to start with, but stronger measures must surely follow when it fails. This is the problem. After talking with the children, these luvvies have nothing else to offer. When the talking fails, they are lost. So, the children continue to run riot with no control. The only thing worse than this, is those parents who don't even try to discipline their children.

So, what is to be done? Well, discipline starts at schools and this is where the problem starts. Teachers daren't touch a child for risking an allegation of abuse of some sort. Golden opportunity for the parents to claim compensation and basically make a real nuisance of themselves for their poor kid actually receiving some discipline. So, both the children and some parents are to blame. I was caned and slippered at school on several occasions and I can't see it did me any harm. In fact, it was preferable to all the other offences as it was done and dusted quickly. All the current system does is create loads of expelled kids. Well, they have to go somewhere. Unless the government creates barbed-wire compounds to contain them, it must be a school of some description. So, let's have more discipline and fewer expulsions. Fewer parents whinging about their poor child being hard done by and more responsibility shown by everyone.

World of Warcraft

Now, before continuing, I don't want people to get me wrong. I'm all for a bit of mass slaughter and general destruction online, especially of anything German (no offence). Call of Duty etc., no problem. However, I don't really get World of Warcraft and other such games. As a means of stress relief etc., nothing really beats ventilating or blowing apart other people in a virtual world. The Panzerfaust is obviously the best weapon on CoD, as it provides the biggest bang. But, those people who inhabit the World of Warcraft appear to loose all touch with reality.

Regularly, I hear tales of all night stints with only fantasy women involved. Under some conditions this might be acceptable, but not when they are wandering around a land populated by all manner of mutants and armed with a claymore or polearm. The real world becomes secondary to these people and Warcraft becomes everything. Constant discussions of last nights adventures between addicts over breakfast can get somewhat boring. Hearing of a fine polearm battle for the n'th time can result in temporary loss of consciousness. However, some people have taken it even further. A Korean couple married online, presumably going on to consumate the marriage virtually. I guess it beats contraception, but somehow can't be the same.

For some, Warcraft at least provides an escape from letching at the neighbours through a telescope and the possibility of arrest from said neighbour. It evens allows some rest and recreation time away from the family, but at some point you must talk with those you share a house with. Although an unpleasant thought, an occasional conversation between the gamer and their wife is required to prevent a hole in the bank account even larger than that caused by a good gaming PC. Who are these gamers and what sort of people are they? Do they like the sort of domineering, aggressive women to be found online and fantasize about them as an ideal boss? Are they being so sucked into Warcraft that reality becomes boring and their next polearm fix is all that matters. Does riding into battle on a reindeer, dressed as Santa Claus over Christmas not say something about them?

Prisoners Food

Forced to sit through a Radio 4 discussion on prisoners food last night, which turned the air blue (at least at my end). Some woolly liberals discussing the appalling state of prison food and the prisoners eating conditions. With the NHS and schools generally dishing out slop, what are people worried about? People who have transgressed the law and are being punished!! Would you believe it. Whilst I know prisons currently resemble luxury hotels rather than places of punishment, retribution and hopefully reform, I don't see the requirement to open 5 star restaurants in them.

For those not familiar with prisons, they are supposed to be for punishment. They are not supposed to represent free luxury bed and lodging for the criminally minded. Rather than complaining about the food, the inmates should be pleased they can't feel a tightening noose about their necks, which in some cases is amply deserved. Various of the 'experts' expressing opinions showed they clearly live in areas not blighted by crime, creating every excuse under the sun for the criminals behaviour. Poor diet = greater propensity for crime. Try telling that to Ernest Saunders. The suggestion was that those who commit crime often come from sections of the community with poor diets. Well, unless we now start giving free veg etc. with the dole, how exactly are we to fix this? People must take some responsibility for themselves. If they eat rubbish, it is often because they choose to do so. Should the government instead enforce strict menus on the population in general to avoid said bad diet? No longer will you be able to eat what you like, but only what the government stipulates. Sounds about right for the current lot.

One of the contributors claimed some people objected to prisoners getting Chrismas meals. Well, bearing in mind they have undoubtedly spoilt someone elses Christmas, this seems entirely appropriate. Another of the contributors had just finished 22 years!! Probably a repeat speeder with this governments priorities. However, exactly how he can comment I don't know. Due to the boredom of prisons, meals were claimed to be something to look forward to, but the quality spoils this for the poor loves. Well, they are right about one thing. Meals should be looked forward to as a break from the hard labour prisoners should carry out. A chance to rest and be pleased about getting fed, regardless of the quality. Something their victim may not be able to do.

Liberal Democrats

Heard over the weekend that Charles Kennedy has resigned as leader of the Lib Dems. After many months, even years, of denying a drink problem, he has finally come clean. Fine, honourable man? I think not. He only admitted the truth because the press were about to out him. So, a case of damage limitation. At least one of the Scots mafia, albeit a minor one, has been sent packing from England. Pity the more important ones in power (Blair, Brown etc.) are still with us, but from small acorns.........

Had to sit through a radio broadcast featuring Lembit Opik (Wales and Northern Ireland spokesman for the no hopers (Lib Dems)) supporting Charles Kennedy on the way home. Had to avoid the desire to end it all.

"He's so brave for admitting the problem."

"Denial is part of an alcohol problem."

First things first. It's not an "alcohol problem". It's being an alcoholic who can't stop pouring alcohol (probably Whiskey given the Scots link) down his throat. It's called self-control. He's not being brave, just admitting it before being hung out by the press and forced to admit to previous lies. Yes, denial (lying) is part of alcoholism, but having an unreformed alcoholic with his finger on the button (in Charles' wildest fantasies) is truly frightening. We have a reformed alcoholic in charge of the US and looks what's happened there....... Mr Opik even went on to try and suggest alcoholism was some sort of disease you caught. Alcoholism isn't something you pick up, it's something you do to yourself. Self-induced and Charles is now paying the price for being weak.

Anyway, having sat through Limbit Opik sucking up to his leader (at the time), I was rather taken by some interesting thoughts. Firstly, just add a 'T' to the surname and he could share a dram or two with his leader. Secondly, it's a miracle Limbit ever got elected as nobody seems able to pronounce his name, let alone remember it to vote for. Finally, what exactly does a Wales and Northern Ireland spokesman do now that Irish terrorism is at an end? Perhaps the Welsh Nationalists are expected to start another cottage burning campaign.